sometimes you cant help how you feel about someone. i like him. i like him so much. being with him on friday all i wanted to do was have his arm around me and feel safe with him. listening to him talk is amazing. his thoughts are so pure and intelligent. friday i just wanted to listen to him and trent and soak it all in. i wanted to learn and grow. thats what this time is for me and i know that both of those boys are helping me grow. i know he likes me. why wouldnt he. the way i catch him looking at me. teasing me. buying me coffee. hanging out and studying me and him. its so comfortable and natural. but makes me nervous all the same. haha the good nervous though. as much as i try to supress my feelings i cant help it. i cant help but have him cross my mind every once in a while. the question is does he have the same thing with me? my brother says he would. theres no way he wouldnt. but im just not sure. well see i guess. haha.
i love being his friend. so taking time is good. its safe. but sometimes i just want to take leaps. but i also know that in the past leaps have gotten me into a lot of trouble. a lesson here? im almost sure of it. im working on patiences right now. which i can handle. i like him enough to trust god with the situation. if things are supposed to happen they will. i trust that statement with my heart and i trust god with my heart. completely. : ] its nice not to have to worry about things. they are out of my control. carefree. carefree is good. very good.

: ]

la

tonight i started thinking of how different things were a year ago. and even just how different i was a year ago or even just a few months ago. i was so sufficated not in the way that josh sufficated me but in the way that was more of an emotional suffication. he made me feel like i couldnt do anything without his approval. he continually shot me down and caused me to be so insecure. he almost made me lose touch with reality in a way and im so glad to have seen that now. im so glad to be out of that and im so glad i will now NEVER let someone do that to me again. i now know what i deserve from a guy and from the guy i want to give my heart to. there for i am now making a list of qualities i would like in the neext guy and hopefully the last guy. now im not saying that this list is something to live by because i know that God will bring me the perfect guy even if hes not "perfect" in the way of this list but i just think its important to write this stuff down with a clear mind will i have no guy to base them off of and it can just be honest.

i need a guy that will ask me how my day was.  someone who will let me be weak. someone who will "slap" me when i need it. someone who will see the small things in life. someone who will take chances with me and live life. someone who knows God truely or is well on their way to knowing God. someone who truely cares about others and helping others. someone who will know me inside and out and love me through my faults. someone who will help me to grow and grow with me. someone who support me in everything i do know matter how small it seems. someone who will nurture my spirit and not shut it down. someone who will know when im lieing and when im upset. someone who will not lie to me. someone who will want the world and find it in me.

i know that God will bless me with this man. whether he meets this list or doesnt even come close i know and trust that God will bring him to me. and i am waiting patiently and in anticipation. : ] i trust God with my heart and i trust taht God will put my heart in the right hands. and be there with us every step of he way. God has blessed me with a whole heart filled with joy right now and im so thank ful for that. life is moving in the direction its supposed to and im so blessed in so many ways. im so glad i went through what i did last year because i have grown and learned so much. i wouldnt change anything. life is short and im going to live it. and love like ive never been hurt.

 

la 

 

im not exactly sure what im here to write. sometimes i just get this urge to type. so here i am.

i think that things right now are chugging a long quite smoothly. there are bumps here or there but i do my best to over come them and always do over come them. i think that right now im a little stuck. i think that i need a new challenge. although school is quite a challenge and working things out for me is a challenge as well im feeling a little bored. yeaah i think bored is the word. im needing a little more from God right now. dont get me wrong i love where im at and i trust God with everything but i guess i just need a little more from him right now. because with this new attitude of me letting things happen with the guidance of God ive found myself not doing anything...kind of. im not sure i can explain it exactly but i need something. something new. something exciting. i want God to open my eyes. i want God to give me this new exciting thing that i felt coming all summer. God i trust you with this. and i know that you work on a timeline of your own and will bring this to me when you know im ready. but i feel more and more ready everyday. i have felt really ready since about two weeks ago and have never realized i wasnt since then. ive been praying and thinking and trusting God for so long and im trusting that you will show me what this is all coming to. the reason for this reassurance i had so blindly. this blindness is begining to be harder to keep a live and if i cant see what is working and coming and happening lord then i pray that maybe you can lift my spirits again to where they were a couple weeks or even just a week ago. i know you love me but help me to know your love more closely help me to see your love in my life more and help me to feel your love daily. God ive learned so much of who i am but now i want to know more of who you are. i want to know more of where your taking me and i cant wait for you to show all this to me. father i know you will take care of all my needs and will take care of these that i have no part in without my asking and knowing and on your timeline that you see fit for me. i trust you. lord like i have never trusted you in my life and i know when im truely ready things will happen.

im so done being second best. im done being left out. im done calling you my BEST friend. because you arent and havent acted like it in quite some time. you have no idea whats going on with me right now and i have no idea whats going on with you. im done. im not going to continue putting in the effort if you arent. seriously. i know i should have maybe spoke up but seriously whats the point. you KNOW things arent the same. and you have never once tried to make things like they used to be. why do i waste my time and energy. im done. dont get me wrong. were still friends. we will still hang out. but its just not the same anymore. and im sorry you pushed me away but i wont be there when lizzie drops you this fall. it sucks i thought you would be in my life forever but i would say things are slowly drifting away.

im just sick of this always losing best friends. i want to find someone that will stick with me. why am i so replaceable? ive always felt that way. there was only one person that has shown me otherwise and has told me otherwise. and he has broken my heart in two.

where am i supposed to go from here? i trust god. i know i will be taken where im meant to be. but i guess im just more ready for answers right now. i feel like i am being lead blindly and have been for a while. soo im kind of ready for some sort of reassurance. but i also know that God doesnt always work on our timeline. soo im kind of stuck and confused. i mean i guess im not confused. more just waiting. waiting for answers. for a person to show me they care about me. waiting for the man im supposed to marry. waiting for me to become the woman im supposed to be. waiting for people that will stick with me. waiting for people i can trust. waiting to show people the real me. im just waiting. waiting for life to move on from this stagnent point. waiting. waiting. thats all i can do now is wait. and heal. and work on me.

 

la 

im soooo mad.

im so mad that the fact that HE is in my past it will keep you from dating me.

dont get me wrong i competely understand that because you have to "lead" him and whatever but it just makes me mad that in some way HE still has a hold on MY life and what I do. i feel so stuck because of him. its like nothing has ever changed. he still has some control over me and my life and that just pissed me off. its like no matter what i do hes still there hes always there.

i wish we could just be together. i wish the timing WAS right. but i know that its not and i know that HE is not the only thing keeping us apart. but the fact that he is a factor even if its minut it absolutely kills me. i just want to yell at him. tell him that he still isnt letting me go. but i just dont know what i should do right now. im at a loss. i know that if we are supposed to be together it will happen and somethings tells me it still might. but i also know that it wont be for a very very long time. which is hard for me. i know you are torn about all of this too i can see it when you look at me the way you flirt with me the way you still kiss me. sooo here i am. torn in so many directions. i know and trust that whats meant to happen will. but sometimes it just get sick of him. and sick of this way he has still found this control over me. 

im going to take some time to think through what i need to do. but i just wish that this wasnt so hard. i wish i could just be happy with him. and things would be fine. we would be happy and forget about my past. but i guess we cant do that so. i will figure something else out for now. i figure i have to.

i dont understand how after all the lies he told and how much he hurt me i can still love him. and how my heart can still ake. and how i can still miss him.

i say that i wouldnt ever take him back but honestly i dont know if i would be strong enough to say no. i guess i know that i really loved him enough to work through all this crap and that i wouldnt have given up on him. but come on now its been almost three months. why is this taking so long. i guess because i still feel like this i start thinking crazy things like maybe we are supposed to be together in the end and that God is working something. but i dontknow if i just keep thinking that because its easier than thinking it really over. but i know it over i mean i feel like its over. but then i just start thinking like i did tonight. i mean why do i still feel like this. honestly i wish i knew. because i think if i knew i could stop feeling like this.

i also just feel really alone. i mean im not alone i have wonderful friends but im just missing having someone really love me like he did or like i thought he did. i just feel this hole in my heart that can only be filled with love. i just love love and being in love and think that it made my life more complete and i want that feeling again. i just feel like ive tried everything to get over him and dont know what else to do. i mean ive liked other guys but its just different and they seemed to fall through and nothing happened. sooo what am i supposed to do here. im so lost im so confused im soooo hurt still. i just wish i knew what to do. i wish i could do ANYTHING to change all of this. i would do ANYTHING to not still love him. i guess its just time but its just taking sooo long. i wish i knew what all this meant. i guess someday i will its all in Gods plan and you cant always see what hes working in your life as its happening. i trust in him and know everything will fall into place whatever that is.

la

i wish i could show everyone who you really are. i wish they could see how youve hurt me. i wish they knew that you were to self absorbed to realize i was crying on the phone with you. but i guess from what im hearing youre doing a fine job of showing them yourself. its hard not to worry about you. i think im more worried because i know that if you do it so will those other guys that look up to so much. i wish you realized what a great example you COULD be for them. you could show them the strong man of God that is deep down inside but you wont. instead you are choosing to show this cowardly cocky jerk. i havent quite forgiven you for all the promises you have broken or the things you have said and done to make me feel like crap. but i am your friend because i know that me being angry and bitter will not change who you are. and i live knowing that one day you will realize everything. i know that you will realize what you did to hurt me and you will realize what you have lost. and im sorry that you cant see that now because i think you would learn so much more if you did. i wish you the best i really really do. i want you to be happy. i want me to be happy. but i just get sick of watching this amazing person i used to know get barried by this crappy person that makes dumb decisions.

im learning slowly how greatful i am to be out of that relationship. i want to be your friend. i hope you are in my life forever. but in a healthy friendship and nothing else.

 

i miss you.

like crazy today.

i think its because i was sitting here and all i could think about is how different things would be if we were together.

please tell me you miss me too. more than just a body miss me miss ME. who i am. who i was. who you loved.

but i know you dont.

everytime you call me babe its like another stab in my heart.

everytime you rub my elbow its like i was just punched in the stomach.

everytime you look in my eyes like you used to i feel like youre ripping my heart in two.

everytime you ask to kiss me it gets harder and harder to say no.

because God knows a part of me still loves you.

and God knows i hate that part of me so much right now.

but the thing is you are a conceided asshole. you care about no one else but yourself.youre immature. you are faithless. you are no longer kind. you are cocky.

you used to be so loving. of everyone. you used to care more about everyone else than yourself. you used to care about ME and want to take care of me for the rest of my life. you used to be such a beautiful person. you used to be a man of God.

i hope that God will make you into that beautiful man that i know is in you somewhere. and i hope that he blesses someone amazing with you and you with someone amazing. but i just cant let that person be me. i know i should forgive you but i just dont know if i can. you hurt me in so many ways. i just cant. and if i did it would be YEARS from now. and i just dont see that anymore. i just dont. and i know you dont either. at least thats what you have shown me lately. please wake up and realize who you are hurting. because it is those people that would have been there for you for the rest of your life. and now you have lost them. and me. im your friend. im here for you whenever you need me. but i cant be there as more than a friend im sorry. but i will not let it happen again. i wont. you know that i wont. so please stop trying to string me along. i think this will be easier when i dont have to see you as much this summer. i hope. i just need this to be easier. please stop reminding me of the amazing man i loved. because hes gone. hes gone and he will never come back.

i need this to stop hurting now. please.

please.

ps. we should have been at that concert together tonight. it would have been amazing. but im ready for someone new to open up my eyes. i really am. please.

please.

i still cant get it through my mind how different things are now.

i just cant.

this time a year ago. i was with him at his grandfathers funeral. he sang. it was beautiful and i cried.

he told me we would get married in that church.

ugh. it just makes me sad that something that WAS so good had to end. but its all in Gods plan i know that. but its ok for me to remember the good times and smile right.

im ready for the BIG love. im done with the tester version.

im not sure who that BIG love will be with but im excited to find out.

i hope its you.

only time will tell.

 

LA 

i dont understand how someone can be so sure of something. and it be so untrue.

i feel so dumb. and hurt. still. and i hate that. i wish i could just stop caring. really truely. i just want to be happy with what im given. ive lost sight of that some how and i NEED to get it back. i still miss him. but as i have said before i miss the him he was a year ago. something tells me HES never going to be HIM again. that hurts to. it makes me sad. im ready for god to really show me what he wants me to do. really really god. im ready. please. please. i need this. i need something from you right now because im so lost. everything seems to be colapsing. are you trying to show me that i was on my way to doing the same thing with charly with nick? pleeeease. help me understand what this mess of a life i am living. i know you are in control. and i know that everything happens for a reason. but i NEED reassurance right now. i need to know whether im doing the right thing with charly and with nick. i neeeed your help. pleeeease. i need you to calm my fears and my heart. help me to be myself and let things happen for me. help me to let you guide me to whats best. father please. show me the lesson here because i dont see it. i know im probably blind to it but please open my eyes and my mind and my heart to you right now. im turning to you for guidance. you have always been there before and i know youre here still. and im trying to be patient but its hard lord. give me the patience to wait if need be. lord i trust in you with all my heart in soul. please lord i want to give of you all my heart. help me to do that. help me to follow your word and your guidance. help me to see what i need and who i am. help me. please. lord i know that there are bigger things in this world and i know that i have gone through harder times but for some reason i cant figure this one out on my own. i NEED you. i always do and always will. im keeping my eyes open and my heart listening for you lord. im ready when you are.

 

la